Girlish Laughter

Friday, December 12, 2008

One of the Evergreen Thursdays.

I think I have in many ways more than one, been braver today than many of my other misguided days.

I attended a beneficial talk which turned out hugely inspiring (more details to be shared when I feel more comfortable about the subject).

I apologized to an ex-boyfriend I've always wanted to for years. We might not have become good friends again overnight but I took the first step and we will talk somemore in future.

I have decided to start picking up calls tomorrow.

I will sit down and think what I want for myself.

It sounds like very little actions but it's a huge deal for me.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Jens Lekman, The White Rabbit

Lazy to type anything more.

Labels: Gig, Jens Lekman, Music, The White Rabbit

Thursday, November 6, 2008

When The Hurlyburly's Done, When The Battle's Lost And Won

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there.

I promise you, we as a people will get there." [Read Obama's touching transcript here]

So matters of the Heart, like battles, have been won and lost. But, we remain her servant. What else can we do but to march forth bravely - in grandeur, in shame, in humility and in faith.

The wedding has been called off but the resilience of human spirits remains. We will collect the wedding cake, rip off its fancy embellishments and proclaim loudly in true Marie Antoinette fashion "Let Us Eat Cake!".

Labels: Cake, Elections, Love, Obama, United States

Monday, November 3, 2008

Rage Rage Against The Dying Of Light

The past weekend had been crazy, too eventful and altogether energy-depleting and emotionally exhausting. What should turn out to be a joyous celebration of sorts rears its ugly fanged head towards the dark of the night and bit us hard, sucking the jubilation out of our spirit. She kicked, she screamed, she struggled. Could we have stopped the creature in its quest for destruction?

I think not.

To quote the old adage: Things happen for a reason. No one had seen, no one had predicted the forthcoming. Not when they are nearing the last league. Not when they are so near to completion. Not when everybody is rooting. Not ever. Not.

The heart that was whole crashed down in a cacophony of his heartrending sobs, the distended shudders of his broken body, amplified by the vivid punctuation of the still air. My heart cracked too in the face of Misery. Misery takes form in a man betrayed and his love, scorned.

How long will it take to make us whole? Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage rage against the dying of light.

I did miss the Halloween party I was supposed to go to but could I have? No Did I care? Not particularly.

Labels: Heart, Love, Night, Relationship

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Mister 35

There was a time I was patient with Love.

In truth, I had no recollection of how I met Mister 35, except that we started chatting on the internet. I cannot recall how we actually got down to talking on the phone, adding each other on MSN, corresponded over emails and eventually led to our meetup(s). He seemed genuinely sweet, soft-spoken and being much older than me, I thought I saw stability, maturity and a drive that are very attractive characteristics for a man to possess.

I do remember how little I knew about him to the point that I only have his email address and his name (which could be real or not). He did not feel comfortable giving me his cellphone number, his address and it was a really one-sided conversation despite the email exchanges since he was the one who can call me as and when he liked but not expecting that I'll want the same.

And I made my thoughts vocal.

"It's work, darling. My cellphone is paid by the company, so is my housing and my car. I think it's better if I do not give it out. Just in case." he cajoled.

And the naive me thought all in good time. We met up whenever his work allowed him to and it usually means in the middle of the night and no going out for breakfast, lunch, dinner or supper because he will be too busy in the office. Then there were the late night trysts in his car on deserted stretches of road. I once marveled sarcastically at his 9 a.m to 2 a.m. working hours and he retorted "How do you think I managed to amass 2 million dollars by now if not by work?". Since I do not have two million, I shut up but was secretly impressed. Wow, a millionaire!

One month passed, then two then five but still status quo.

I whined about his lack of availability and then he gave me alternatives. "Just drop me an email and I'll respond to it like a phonecall" and to be fair, his response was fairly quick but it still didn't feel the same. It had me wondering if he could not trust me or that his caution preceded his interest in me and I waited a little while longer for things to change. I am not a woman without patience.

Still no change.

His excuse when broached on this seemingly innocuous but delicate subject was "I once gave my number out to a woman who turned out to be a stalker and I decided to be careful since." I gave him more time to get to know me better and find out that I am not a stalker. Ultimately, I decided to stick my foot in and demanded (oh my lord, how I hated to do that) that he be contactable via phone which means give me your bloody phone number. Seriously, I do not know what was the obsession that overtook me. It definitely wasn't my fondness for number-crunching but it irked me not to have something that he obviously had a great deal of care for.

And he relented, if only just a little. "Okay, I do not want to give out my company number alright? I will get another line just for you." Well, that'll work because it only means I am triumphant in my quest.

Another two months and still no news.

By that time, I have already concluded that he is a lying cad and he must have a skeleton in his bloody closet, perhaps a few. Perhaps somewhere else, there is a wife and two kids or maybe a poor girlfriend waiting for him to propose after he is done fishing. Whatever it is, I did not want to play his game anymore. I was tired and I broke it off but before doing so, I needed to satisfy my curiosity.

D: "Since this is probably the last time we planned to talk, humour me. Are you married?"
K: "No, I'm divorced."
D: "Any kids then?"
K: "No."
D: "A girlfriend perhaps?"
K: "There's one, she has a kid but it means nothing. We see each other once a while for sex. I don't count her as my girlfriend."
D: "Bye."

And I congratulated myself for coming out of it so easily and gracefully but I did miss some intimate moments we shared and a little of his sugary sweet coercion when he made me unhappy. It was not a real relationship and I am not about to play the waiting game while he locks me up with his procrastination chain.

Two years later, a message popped up unexpectedly "Hello dear. How are you?"

D: "Nothing much has changed."
K: "I miss you know... and I remembered just how beautiful you are."

Older but wiser, that Love I thought I had and invested in was such a youth-depleting activity, I would kick myself to go through it again. What did they say about women's youth?

It is fleeting.

Labels: Love, Men, Relationship

When The Cosmic Collides

Do you believe that to read books from a certain author, you need to have a destiny, no matter how thinly threaded, with that author?

How could I? How could I ... to have discovered Neil Gaiman so late in life? I mean I've heard that he has been classified anywhere from being good to phenomenal and had seen "bloggerly" (via webloggers' narration) for myself the addiction some of the bloggers obviously have for him to want his autograph. That's a very high form of praise in my opinion -- to queue and look like silly fops, with pens in hand, giving silly, I-cannot-believe-it's-Neil-Gaiman! grins to Neil Gaiman, shaking his hand profusely and gratuitously before being ushered off the stage/platform.

I did have a copy of Neil Gaiman's MirrorMask and Stardust that I procured during a sale because they were on sale. To have chosen his books amongst the many others on sale then indicated that I did pay attention to my surroundings -- the wisps and whispers about the goodness of his work but I simply do not understand the procrastination I've adopted to actually read any of them. It is quite unlike me to procrastinate about reading, it being one of my favourite hobbies unless they are boring classics (which I really want to read to show that I am a well-read person of intellect albeit too dry to swallow). And so poor MirrorMask and Stardust laid somewhat forlornly in the pile of To-Read books for maybe about a year. Then there was Stardust the movie. I watched it in the theatre with friends, enjoyed the storyline, only to find out much later that it originated from Neil Gaiman. I dug through the dusty To-Read pile, vaguely remembering that I have a copy of Stardust somewhere, seeking to reaffirm.

Ah ha! I exclaimed in pleasure when I finally stared at the book's cover. Triumphantly, I placed Stardust back onto the To-Read pile but this time I relocated it to the top of the pile. Notice how I still did not read his books? That day, as I was browsing through the library book shelves and in failing to find any of my usual reads, I started randomly picking up what might be interesting. And so, the copy of Neverwhere found itself in my hands, carried uncertainly towards the borrowing counter. (I said uncertainly because remembering how I never did actually get around to any of Mister G's works, I highly doubt if I would be get around to it eventually.)

But by the love of books, I did and I was enthralled.

So tell me why I took so long to read Neil Gaiman's books? I concluded that there must come a time when Venus meets Mars in her passing and the world exploded into kaleidoscopic fragments, thus connecting my reading fate to Mister G's. (Or so I would like to believe ... that his works connect right back to me and that I, as a unknown reader from his masses, affected his cosmic balance that very same day either by a twitch of his eyelid or a sneeze on a sunny day). Either way, the first thing I did after finishing Neverwhere was to prowl National Library Board and searched the catalogue for more that are not on loan and pick up on my way home from work. From the looks of it, American Gods and Anansi Boys might be right next on the list unless some crazed borrower decides to clash and upset my cosmic fate which would definitely arouse my displeasure to the point of violence.

Labels: Books, Neil Gaiman

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Saving Grace

I saw a truly dead-looking plant sitting forlornly next to Sherbet's window seat. The sunlight there didn't help, plant was dry, its little "branches" outreached upwards like hands towards the sky asking "Why me?".

In that instant, I felt a sudden compassion towards its short lifespan. It should be green and bursting with life! I took it from the windowsill, cradled it protectively in my arms and brought it back with me.

I have no illusion that I might be able to revive it but at least I tried. And so I poured a good measure of water down its parched roots, hoping for a miracle.

Wake up please.

Labels: Dead Plant, Hope, Miracle